Sleeping with Socks

The other day while putting my son Kai down for his nap, he asked for his “s-AH-k on!” (Socks on). It was a hot day, but Kai tends to get cold, and especially when he is sleeping, likes to be covered up. He pops his thumb into his mouth and curls up into himself, like a bear gracefully slipping into a long winter’s hibernation. He pushes himself deep under the covers even on the warmest days. There have been times when I come home from a late night of working, when Josh has put him to bed, and I’ll find Kai peacefully sleeping away zipped up into his flannel footy pajamas, under a sea of covers, while his hair and face remains slick with sweat. Anything less, and he’ll complain about being cold. Still, I cannot help but change him into a pair of lighter pajamas and try to peal at least one blanket off.

Kai has been a part of our family and in our home since August of 2007, which means 10 months. He hasn’t asked for his socks or for that matter his shoes while sleeping in a long time. When we first got Kai in China, he refused to sleep with his shoes off. That first night, when I took them off for bedtime he screamed bloody murder until I secured them back onto his feet. The white sandals looked brand new but too small for his square-ish feet. Certainly they were saved for this day when the orphanage staff would bring him to meet us for the very first time. We tried a couple of other times to get him to sleep without his shoes, thinking it couldn’t be comfortable, but each time he wailed in distress, like I had ripped off an actual part of his foot, so we gave up the effort. I don’t’know how long it took, a few weeks maybe, but soon enough, the day came when he went to bed without his shoes strapped to his feet. I added it to the list of small victories, proof that he was adjusting to our family and trusting us and his life here more and more.

So, it surprised me, the other day, when he wanted his socks. I wondered if the next step would be his shoes. While shoes and clothes remain important to Kai, he hasn’t requested them for sleeping in months. In my mind, as all mothers do, I question myself. Does that mean he is regressing? Or is he feeling a bit insecure today? Or is he just cold and feels like socks on this particular nap and now has the English speaking skills to ask for them? I don’t know that answer.

What I do know is that there are days that I am wracked with uncertainty and guilt in regards to my parenting ability with Kai. We adopted Kai at an older age in terms of adoption. He was 2 and a half, the likely hood of a child getting adopted either internationally or domestically after the age of 2 drops significantly. As a result, there just doesn’t seem to be much information about toddler adoption available. The few books out there, I have read already. Yet, like so many things in life, there is no formula for parenting children adopted as toddlers, especially from another country, it all comes down to your personal child and his or her personality and background. Would a Chinese mother parent him better than I can? Do I expect too much of Kai? He did spend the first 2 and a half years of his life in an orphanage. Am I being developmentally appropriate in my parenting approaches? There is no magical dinger to mark my parenting decisions. No alarm sounds when I make mistakes. A cheesy game show host does not inform me, “Oh, Kate, I am sorry, but the correct answer was, “Bend down at this level and speak gently, NOT sigh in exasperation and then demand he listen to you and when he refuses send him to time out.”

So, I put the socks on Kai’s thick, muscular feet. His feet are smooth, warm and clean, just like the rest of his body, anything but frail. I give the pad of his foot a little tickle with my finger and he smiles his killer 1,000 watt smile, revealing his deep dimples. I give him a kiss “night-night”, and he’s off to sleep. As I walk out of his room, I try to silence the endless questions in my mind. I turn in the door way and look at his little curled up body one more time. Already asleep, he is stunningly beautiful. I love him fiercely and have already learned so much from him. I decide to take it one moment at a time. This moment he is sleeping. Socks on or not, he is my son, that is the moment, and that is enough.