I just finished watching a YouTube video about the Chinese Summer Culture Camp held here at IUPUI. The camp is for ages 5-12 years old. I watched the video of children of all races dong morning exercises to the counts of Mandarin 1, 2, 3. The kids learn calligraphy, dance, Mandarin and as well as Chinese games and crafts. This sounds perfect for any child to learn more about the Chinese culture. It would seem especially wonderful for a child like Kai, who was adopted from China. Perfect, with one exception, Kai has a hard time sitting still for any extended period of time. He is at times more than just a “wiggle worm”. Right now, we are trying to figure out if this is just part of his development or if it is more of an issue than just some catching up. It’s been a tough process trying to figure it all out.
To compound the issue, I acknowledged the importance of raising Kai with an understanding of his Chinese culture and heritage. With extreme guilt, I must confess, we’ve done little to nothing in this regard so far. This is not because I haven’t looked into programs for Kai. I have.
When I first researched the Families with Children from China group, known as the FCC, we were in the process of completing the adoption paperwork. The group seemed ideal. The FCC fosters a positive self-identification for adoptees from China. It allows the parents and children to relate and interact with each other as well as provide a system of support. I had every intention of hauling our new little family to each and every meeting of this group. Then reality set in, we brought Kai home. We were exhausted. Imagine bringing home a 2 and a half year old boy who speaks minimal Cantonese and is suddenly thrown into a new family of people who do not look like him, smell differently, talk differently and eat totally different foods. While we were thrilled to have Kai home, it was a huge adjustment accompanied by various follow-up doctor appointments that were a relief each time to clear.
Tests were done to make sure he didn’t have several different diseases, infections or parasites. The likelihood of him having any of these things was minimal, but to be sure, the medical professionals had him screened for just about everything. I lived in a not so subtle state of panic that the next test would come back affirming that he did in fact carry some lethal disease that would need to be addressed. Meanwhile, Josh and I assured friends and family that he was progressing well. Which he was, but Josh and I continued to support each other through the intense stress of the transition.
I share this to explain why we weren’t jumping on the FCC bandwagon right away. Our plate felt full. While many well meaning acquaintances gently scolded us for not taking him to a Cantonese tutor or signing him up for the next Chinese Moon Festival, we knew we were doing the best we could at the time. Still, at times, I fight the nagging feeling that maybe it isn’t enough.
And so today, with the understanding that he is getting old enough to participate in more activities. I got back on the FCC site, watched the Summer Camp video, and once again felt distressed. How do I navigate Kai’s cultural needs vs. his developmental needs? How do I reconcile the guilt I feel for essentially NOT being Chinese. There are times that I feel like an evil white conquistador, that Josh and I somehow swooped in and stole part of Kai’s identity. I wonder if other adoptive parents struggle with this issue. How do they resolve it? How much of it depends on the child’s personality as far as the timeline of events goes?
Right now, we are addressing more of Kai’s developmental needs. I remain a determined mom. I’ve gorged myself on various topics and am finding some answers. My personal research, coupled with the views of various professionals, has been draining, intimidating, enlightening, thrilling and exhausting. Kai will be fine. While some issues exist, so far, they seem to be fairly minor. I remain a determined mom. I’ve gorged myself on various topics and am finding some answers. To balance my zeal for information and the desire to formulate a “plan”, Josh remains calm and level headed.
I know we’ll get to the cultural piece. I am planning on going to the next FCC event with some fellow friends who have adopted from China. Yet, the fact that as of today, we haven’t done so , reminds me that while I may need to put Chinese Culture Camp on the backburner for the time being, the issue of ethnicity and cultural heritage cannot be forgotten.
Time.
2 comments:
Hi Kate-I know I can't speak for the "cultural" part of what you've written, but I can speak for the 4-almost-5 year old boy part, and I know how it is to beat yourself up about your expectations for their behavior vs. the actual behavior. I often wish Sean would just calm down a little, and be more reasonable and measured (like Megan) as opposed to the impulsive, active,(and lots of fun) guy he often is. There are certain limits I realize he has, and I have stopped trying to push him into things he just isn't into at this stage in his life (like a music class, etc.) There are certain things he loves and will concentrate on for hours (Legos, reading, playing with trains/cars) and certain things that he just isn't "in" to right now. I was really stressed out when one of his little friends (who is 6 mos. younger) started writing last year, and Sean showed no interest. He only shows a little interest in it right now, but he'll get there, right? Anyway, I know how you feel about judging what they are capable of and then acting on that vs. what you want them to be capable of. Kai has so many special gifts (like the ability to charm everyone he meets) that other kids do not have at his age, and that happens to be where he shines right now. Eventually you'll get to the cultural aspect of his life, you know, when the time is right.
I also wanted to tell you that Sean was listing his "crew" for me last week, and he included Kai. He mentions Kai often, which I think is pretty great for a couple of guys who only see each other once or twice a year! Awesome!
Much love from the Healys!
Becky-
How many times can I say the following, " I wish you lived closer!" I so agree. That is the point to where both Josh and I have gotten with certain activities, etc. Some things he just isn't ready for, while others he loves. And they are the same ones you listed for Sean. He'll build cities and do Legos all day long!
Plus, with my social work classes, we talk a lot about culture and race, and how the greater American culture makes many different races feel invisible, etc.
Kai of course still loves Sean as well. Poor kiddos, such a sweet connection with so little to see each other.
Hope you are feeling good with baby 3! How is the new house? We miss you guys!
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