Time for tutu's and feather boas

(me, age 5 at my birthday party)

“Trust in what you love, continue to do it and it will take you where you need to go.”

-Natalie Goldberg from Writing Down the Bones

You hear this all the time whether it flows from the mouth of Bill Gates, Oprah or Lance Armstrong. Do what you love and the rest will fall into place. As a child, this is the most obvious statement in the world, like making an announcement that ice cream from the ice cream truck tastes better than the stuff in your freezer. When I was 5 I completely understood the secrets to life. A few years later, age 32 rolled around and suddenly I’m journaling for weeks in order to arrive the same door I confidently knocked on as a little girl.

Pursuing what I really love leaves me feeling a bit like Alice in Alice in Wonderland as she wanders around the dark forest nibbling tiny treats and sipping potions along the way, growing and shrinking in order to get into our out of different shaped doors. There are days when my role as a mother and a wife fills every space in my brain and body with an uncomfortable force. This sends me searching for something else to relieve the bloated pressure. I set the alarm for 4:30 am and double check the coffee timer to be sure it is all set. When the alarm buzzes , I stumble down the stairs to sip heavily sweetened coffee, tuck my feet under thighs on the oversized blue chair, and let my pen float across the journal pages with the ease of an Olympic figure skater.

When I was little, I distinctly remember what I wanted to be when I “grew up”…a ballerina. My mom in a helpful vein said, “Kate, if you want to be a ballerina, we should probably start you in dance lessons.” Sigh… how annoying, I thought, and responded haughtily, “Mom, you don’t have to take lessons to be a ballerina.” She did not understand that being a ballerina meant wearing a wide pink tutu around all day and who needs lessons for that? The profession had everything to do with costume and nothing to do with artistic skill.

I once babysat for a sweet white haired little boy of four, who proudly informed me that when he grew up he was going to fly a truck. How is that for taking two professions and blending them into one tidy package? I never asked how he planned to fly that truck, but I like to think of him sailing through the sky in a large yellow earth mover, a huge smile stretched across his pale face in pure satisfaction.

This year I am officially dedicating myself to my 5 year old self. What do I want to be when I grow up? I still don’t know. But I have some ideas about what I want to do. I want to write and paint, ride horses, climb trees, color on the walls with a brand new box of crayons and use every single color. I want to have my friends sleepover at my house and eat chocolate cake whenever I feel like it. I want to hug people more and think less about my shoes matching my outfit and more about where they can take me. I want to learn to play the guitar and sing in the car. I want wear a pink feather boa to the grocery store and wear cherry red lipstick. That should be a good start. I’m keeping track here people. I will post the results as they unfold. Anyone else up for some 5 year old fun? Let me know...