I keep thinking about posting something, writing more, and then I don't. I do the laundry, start dinner, get caught up on paperwork for work, and think of other projects, something easier.
I keep thinking two things, first of all, that nothing worth having is ever too easy. And two, but maybe I am wasting my time. I had a big in depth conversation with my friend Heather about careers, life, etc. She asked me why I am writing, what I like to write, etc.
A year ago I started take more time to write because I enjoy it. I've kept a journal since I was about 11 and find that writing lifts me up. It leaves me feeling full and light at the same time. But as we continued talking, I realized that lately, I'd fallen into the "Gold Star" trap. I was writing to get the Gold Star. I wanted someone who wasn't a friend or family to read my blog and find it interesting. I daydreamed of an agent or publisher finding something I wrote worth a second look. And as the rejections came in, I lost that spark and worse, the fun evaporated as I replayed my own sense of embarrassment over and over in my mind.
Heather left me a card the next day. It is a yellow note card with a little pink star on it. "I couldn't find any gold stars, so you got a pink one on a gold card!"
I haven't been writing much this month. But maybe it was time for a break, time to take a breath, to let go of worry and stop trying so hard.
There is a woman at my club and she is teaching herself how to swim, just as I did last year at this time. Each day, she straps on the flotation belt and churns up and down the swim lane. Stopping half way down the lane, her chest lifts and falls, I catch her eye and smile. I want to say, "WAY TO GO! You are doing so much better than just two weeks ago!" But I don't, as I need to watch myself that I am not too friendly. She smiles back proud of herself. I didn't have to say a word.
Me, I plan to backstroke for a bit. I did a bit of revising on my Princess Hazel story, but that's it. I am just struggling going back to it. I'm not trying to make writing my career. It's funny, I can do marathons, cycling events or swim and not care at all if I am slow. Instead, I find I feel completely delighted each time I finish and don't puke. I wonder how I can transfer that attitude to other areas? Maybe drink Gatorade while I write to get me in the mood? Do push ups between sentences?
For now, I'm going to try to let go of the Gold Star Status, breathe and let it be fun again.
3 comments:
Stop looking for the star and let IT find you. If you stop to think about it, most of the best parts of our lives are not things we have gone looking for. Remember how we talked about that at Jenny's ?
You are a fantastic writer Kate! Your time will come! Let it be fun again Kate. It has been such a part of your life for as long as I can remember from the time you were writing me stories and leaving them as little gifts in my room.
Love you!
Agreed, agreed, agreed Kate. Lately, I have had little time/motivation to draw, and it makes me sad. On the other hand, I think perhaps I am on the verge of my next great idea or breakthrough, and that I should wait patiently until that happens. I bet that's where you're at too!
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